DIY Addressing Invitation Envelopes

So in my wedding fantasy, a stylish calligrapher addresses the front of each of our invitation envelopes in a modern font a la...
Laura Hooper's amazing lettering. Oh, Laura. The hours I've wasted on your website drooling.

Alas, calligraphy was not in our budget, especially considering I know that 98.5% of our guests will not in any way, shape, or form either notice or care what the front of their envelope looks like.

However, that still leaves 1.5% of our guests (including my mother, TWP, and Historygirlie) who will look at the envelope and appreciate the handwritten address. Knowing that, I spent a few random hours while subbing practicing my "fancy" writin'... Thus I give you, my DIY calligraphy tutorial.

Step 1: Gather supplies.A hard writing surface. Your pen of choice (I used an American Crafts Slick Writer pen in brown from Archivers). Envelopes (mine came from here). And a template so that your words are straight and don't slant. If you enlarge the photo above, you can see my template on the left. I used a ruler to create the lines; the second line from the top is the first line of the address (for ex. Mr. and Mrs. John Adams goes on that line). Then narrowly spaced lines are to make sure that the address doesn't get too squished vertically. The vertical lines are exactly in the middle of the envelope, which helped me space out the address (I went for the even more irritating form of centering each line of the address... Hello, my name is Mugs, and I'm anal-retentive.)


Step 2: Insert the template into the envelope. I used a dark sharpie marker to make the template, so I could see the lines through the envelope.

Step 3: Slide a paperclip on the whole packet so the template doesn't move; I put my paperclip where the postage stamp will go in case it marred the envelope at all. (Yes, again, hello my name is Mugs and I'm anal-retentive.)
Step 4: Trial and error. Order extra envelopes so you can do a trial run. It will take some practice to get the lettering spaced out nicely and centered if you're going that route.

Step 5: Hunker down for a long night of writing! My guest list involved 112 envelopes. After some mistakes, I probably addressed 125 in the course of three days. By the end my hand had cramped, my pinkie wouldn't bend in one direction, my elbow had taken to twitching randomly, and I was pretty certain I didn't even want to invite half of the people on the list! But, it was worth it. I'm really happy with how my pseudo calligraphy turned out:The invitations are set to go out next week, and I'm dying to show them to you all, but I must summon all of my patience and wait. I don't want to ruin the surprise for guests who do read this little blog, so I won't expose the whole shebang for a little while longer... :)

The photo quality isn't great on most of these pics, so if you want a better look, I'd suggest clicking on the photos.

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How to Fly While Retaining Sanity...

Since NavyGuy and I have been in separate states for much of the last three years, I've done a significant amount of air travel. As I'm packing and preparing for my battle with TSA flight tomorrow, I thought I would share a few of the tips and techniques I've honed to help make flying less like having a colonoscopy... sans anesthesia.

1. Ignore the adage about packing lightly. It's boo hockey. Cram as much as you can lift into your carry-on bag(s). The charge for overweight checked bags is outrageous, and most airlines are now charging to check more than one piece of luggage. I will gladly keep more of my belongings in my own hot little hands - even if it means I have a slight backache from hauling heavy luggage around the terminal - rather than pay the airlines to check an additional bag, and risk they will lose it.

2. Along those same lines, anything you may need within the first 24 hours at your final destination should be packed in your carry-on luggage. For example, I always carry on a small bottle of contact lens solution (more on the liquid requirements later), and my glasses. If my flight gets canceled or pushed to the next day, I would be in a world of hurt sleeping in my contacts. Pills, paperwork, or any other items that you would like on a deserted island with you? Put it in the carry-on.

3. Liquids. Alright, people, basically - it's a crapshoot. If it's an expensive tube of lipstick that you don't want to risk giving up - put it in your checked luggage. Seriously, they claim there are rules about these things (3 ounces, in a ziplock bag, blah blah blah), but I swear every TSA person and every airport and every security line has different rules. I've given up trying to keep it straight. Take small bottles of stuff, but don't freak if they make you throw out your 3.5 ounce hand lotion.

4. One thing that most people don't realize is that the liquid ban is just that - a ban on liquids. There's no ban on water bottles... just a ban on the water in them. I refuse to cough up the four dollars that most of the fast food places charge for a bottled water once you're past security, so a few years ago, I tried a pretty ingeniuous move. I packed an empty water bottle in my purse (you can use the cheap throwaway kind or a reusable one), and then filled it up at the bubbler once I was through the security line. Score! I had my water for the flight (because if you're in a bad seat, you could wait until halfway through the flight before they come around for your drink order), and I didn't have to pay out the nose for it. The one time I couldn't find a drinking fountain by the gates, I bitched to high heaven simply used a bathroom faucet. Try this one.

5. There's no rule that says you have to put your carry-on luggage in the overhead compartment directly above your seat. In fact, if you're wise, you'll put it in the compartment across the aisle from your seat. It's much easier to stand up, reach across, and pull down your luggage that way, instead of trying to twist around and grab it from above your seat (plus then you can keep an eye on it). If that isn't an option, then be sure to stash your bag closer to the front of the plane.

6. Whenever possible, sit in an aisle seat. The window's fun if you haven't flown before, but there's more space, attention, and chances of making a quick exit if you have a connecting flight, when you're sitting on the aisle.

The biggest secret to successful travel is your attitude. Be polite, but recognize that it's a zero-sum game. You need to get to your destination with the least amount of pain involved. Remember...

"All Americans love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle."
~General George S. Patton

Anyone else have any secrets to winning the battle of air travel?

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How NOT to sub for a class...

1. Let students throw paper airplanes all over the room and leave them there for the teacher to find the next day.

2. Let students attach post-it notes to every flat surface in the classroom (desks, walls, file cabinets, whiteboards, the ceiling...)

3. Send a class of students down to an unsupervised computer lab for ninety minutes while you remain in the classroom to catch up on your soaps.

4. Write a six page note. That details every moment of the day. Including each student bathroom request. And minor kerfuffle. And what you would change about the classroom setup.

5. Introduce yourself to the class by giving your name and then stating, "I'm kind of a big deal."

Yes, these are all real anecdotes. Yes, it pains me too.

Fellow educators - got any other examples of substitute teaching at its finest?

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How to Spend a Snow Day

In honor of our third snow day in a row (the Anacortes School District is the "Wild Rose" of Washington when it comes to calling off school), I propose the following appropriate snow day procedures...

1. Listen to the radio or watch local news. Discover the snow gods have smiled upon you, and you have a SNOW DAY!

2. If you've already showered and readied yourself for the day, return to your pajamas. If there's snow to be shoveled, get one pass at the driveway done so it's easier to deal with later in the day (bonus points if you're off school simply for the cold, because then you don't ever have to go outside!).

3. Acknowledge early on in the day that the eight free hours you have acquired are a bonus; anything you accomplish in that time is extra. It wouldn't have gotten done had you been at school or work that day, so if you get anything crossed off your list - you're golden! Choose one task that can be done (in pajamas) such as laundry, and gleefully check it off the list later in the day.

4. Plan a bowl of something warm and steamy for lunch. Soup, chili, stew, oatmeal - anything that you can eat curled up on the couch while watching mindless TV. If you're lucky, they'll be a marathon of America's Next Top Model on, and you can spend the afternoon debating whether Tyra really can smile with her eyes, or if she's just squinting weirdly.

5. Nap, glorious, nap. Snuggle up with a nice warm blanket, and snooze. Snooze away.

6. Find a good twenty minute window to sit and stare outside. Bonus points if the plow goes by and you can whine about how they push all the snow from the street up into your driveway.

7. Call everyone who has a "real" job and had to spend the day at work. Get their opinion on the Tyra situation, or just ask them how cold it is outside (since you haven't been out yet). Listen to their bitching for a few minutes to be polite, then say you have to go because the hot chocolate you're warming up on the stove is done.

8. Pull out the most enticing looking book you have in the pile on your nightstand. Assemble the following items: something to drink, a snacky food, glasses (if necessary). Head to your most comfy reading place and hunker down to disappear into whatever magical land your book holds.

9. Nap #2 for the day.

10. Watch the weather channel and assess your chances of having another snow day tomorrow!

(What constitutes a snow plow in Anacortes.)

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How to Survive the Post Office in December

I've been to the post office three times in the past three days. Between Christmas cards, Save the Dates, and holiday packages, I've had to venture to the most stressful, most infuriating, most godforsaken place on earth in the month of December three times (so far) this week. I've tried 9:45, 1:30, and 2:50. Each time there have been between eight and twelve people in line ahead of me, at least two of whom have apparently never been in a post office before and seem to have no idea what this animal is. Based on my tedious and exhausting experiences, I've compiled the following suggestions to help lessen the pain for all of you...

1. Wear comfortable shoes. You will be standing for quite some time; neither heels nor flip flops will provide the leg and lower back support necessary.

2. Do not get into the line until you have everything you need. People who get in line, realize they need a mailing envelope, exit the line, flip through six different mailing envelope sizes, choose a seventh, and then attempt to return to their original place in line will be heckled or possibly punched.

3. It is acceptable to pick out a mailing envelope, get in line, and use the back of the person in front of you as a flat surface on which to fill out the mailing envelope.

4. Cranky, tired, hungry, smelly, loud, or rash-ridden children should be left with a responsible babysitter or breathing adult; if you must bring your child into the post office, at least bring along something for them to do. If you think standing in line at the post office is boring, try doing it as a four year old.

5. Do not get in line behind anyone who was alive during FDR's administration. You will either be forced to listen to a diatribe on the price of stamps (you know in my day...) or will risk pulling your hair out when they want to make small talk with the postal worker and then write a check to pay for a $2.56 package. If there is a senior citizen directly in front of you, allow the person behind you to step forward. Trust me - proximity is key. The more you can distance yourself from the frustration, the less it will raise your blood pressure.

6. The postal clerk is God. He/she has ultimate power; forget this, and you will reap the consequences. Treat him/her with due deference, be prepared when you get to the window, allow them to finish each excruciating question (no interrupting!) about whether your package has anything liquid, flammable, or dangerous, and you may make it out unscathed. (Special Note: if one or more clerks closes their window at any time, do not mutter sarcastically under your breath about the number of breaks federal employees get while hundreds of taxpayers wait helplessly in line; you will not be served any faster... do not ask how I know this.)

7. Unless your dog has official paperwork indicating his specialized training and intelligence, he does not belong in the post office (hint: seeing eye dogs need to walk on the ground, not ride in your purse, in order to be effective).

8. There's a reason they put those posters up on the walls with pictures of all of the different stamp designs. Do not stand at the counter, with other patrons lined up behind you, hemming and hawing over the Nutcracker stamps versus the Virgin Mary stamps. Look at the poster, go with your gut, and pick a design.

9. Do not go on your lunch hour. Just don't do it! I don't care if you work, I don't care if that's "the only time" you can go - if you expect to get in and out of the post office between 11 and 1 in less than thirty minutes, you deserve to get stuck in line behind the woman with fifteen different packages for her fifteen different grandchildren. Go after work or on a Saturday morning - those times are still going to be busy, but at least then you aren't standing behind me tap tap tapping your (high heeled) foot, irritated because you aren't going to get back to work on time.

10. Smile. Everyone loves getting mail; no one loves braving the post office to send it. Just remember how fun it is to open the mailbox and receive a letter or package, and hopefully that will help pass the time while you're waiting. (Or do as I do, and try to predict which people in line are Nutracker stamp people, and which are Virgin Mary stamp folk.)

(Sample post office line; note the distraught look on the face of the woman to the far right - I predict she just discovered they're out of Virgin Mary stamps and she'll have to go with the Kwanzaa ones.)

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How to Schedule Posts

So, it's time to let everyone in on the secret; as much as I love blogging, I'm not up at 3 am or 6 am or pretty much any a.m. time posting exciting craft tidbits. A few of you detail-oriented readers have noticed that the "posted at" times on a few of my entries have had suspiciously early times. How do I accomplish this magical feat?

For you fellow blogspot writers, you may or may not have noticed the link titled "post options" at the bottom left hand side of each box in which you compose a new post. (It's directly to the left of where you can type in various labels for the post.) If you expand (click on) that link, you are given blanks to fill in post date and time. The date and time that are in there should be approximately when you started creating the post. If you would like to delay the post, and have it show up on your blog at a later time, all you have to do is highlight the date and/or time, and change it to a later one! And presto chango - you have a blog post written at 2 in the afternoon on Monday, showing up at 8 am Tuesday.

Now some of you may be wondering why on earth a person would do this... Well, in my case, if I have several greeting card craft projects to post, I like to space them out. Sometimes it's easier to get each of the individual posts written at the same time, but, knowing how some of my readers check the blog for new posts every six minutes, I try to space out the new entries so that there aren't as many huge gaps where there are no new posts. This technique would also work well, if say, you have several posts ready to go, but you're going to be gone from your computer over a weekend or vacation. You can schedule the various posts to show up periodically while you're away.

And there's your computer/internet lesson for the day! Hope you fellow bloggers can put this sneaky bit of trickery to use soon :)

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