Oh, Thursday.

~ Spent today subbing for the fifth grade. The afternoon included a field trip where we walked to a nearby park and monitored the children playing for two hours. One child called some younger children at the park names that I cannot say here or my mom would wash my mouth out with soap. Another child managed to get her foot stuck in a piece of playground equipment. Thank goodness I wore my tennis shoes (and carry Excedrin in my teacher bag).

~ Had my eye appointment to deal with the stye. No progress. Doc thinks I need to keep putting warm compresses on it until I lose my patience, and then I can call him back and he'll "remove it." He explained the procedure of "removing it," and I think I'll be trying the warm compresses for a bit longer.

~ Arrived home to find our dining room full of packages from my MIL - the wedding gifts we opened in Wisconsin after the wedding are now back in our possession! Well, they're in the boxes, in our house (and if I don't get up any more energy tonight, that's where they'll be staying).

~ NavyGuy is at a simulator event until at least eight. So now the question becomes, do I get up off the comfy bed and make myself some dinner, or just wait until he comes home and see if he'll drive into town for pizza...? I'm getting kinda hungry, but I'm also really comfy. NavyGuy will be tired when he gets home, and unlikely to want to go back into town for food... but his only meal options if he eats here are a sandwich or leftovers. It's a toss-up.

Subbing again tomorrow. The annual "Fun Run" is on the docket for the morning, so here's hoping everyone arrives at the finish line... without leaving any limbs behind in playground equipment...

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I Will Not Accept This Blasphemy

I know you peeps out in the blogosphere don't know what I sound like. So you'll just have to trust me when I say that I do NOT have an accent. I sound just like any normal midwestern person you hear on the radio or television giving you the weather report. My speech is not peppered with "ehs" or "uf-dahs" or long, misprounced vowels.

So imagine my shock today, when a sophomore who a) knew nothing about me, b) had been in my presence for all of 87 seconds, and c) had barely been listening to me give the directions for her Peter the Great worksheet, thrust her hand into the air, and confidently asked, "Yo, are you from Wisconsin?"

Eh?!?!? Huh?!?! Suh wha?!?!? Oh no she did not just. Turns out this little sophomore is "real good at accents" (but apparently, is not good at grammar), and having listened to me speak for all of 87 seconds, immediately pegged me as a true Wisconsinite. I proudly confirmed my heritage, but could not get over the fact that I was so easily outed! Seriously - people who know me in real life - am I that transparent? (And Miss A, your opinion SOOOOO does not count, as you think anyone east of the Rocky Mountains has an accent.)

Oh, the rest of the sub job was fine. Apparently, Wisconsin still garners some respect around here.

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Do I Sound Like Dory?

~ Ramon, 8th grader that I subbed for yesterday, told me halfway through the day that my voice sounded like Dory. As in the fish from Finding Nemo. He assured me it was a compliment.

~ A rabid parent accosted me during lunch, expecting that I would know where her absent daughter's make-up work packet could be located in the tornado aftermath of a classroom in which I was subbing. Apparently, her daughter had been out for several days and the classroom teacher had agreed to create a packet of makeup work for her to complete before the end of the quarter (which was the following day). I talked mom down off the ledge and pacified her by sending her home with a textbook and the promise of a strongly worded note to the classroom teacher.

~ 8th grade boys are obsessed with what type of music you like. Then they like to tell you the specific bands they like (all of which have semi-inappropriate names that you've never heard of).

~ Somehow I attract the classroom teachers who delight in leaving sub plans saying some variation on, "Well, they should work on this worksheet for a bit, but I doubt they'll stay on task. They'll probably just screw around most of the day." Yesterday's lesson plan expected 13 year-olds to research a constitutional issue online (with no guiding questions or worksheet to complete) for 90 minutes. Uh, yeah, no. Not gonna happen. I spent the majority of the day watching kids hack into illegal websites, google fat people, and play odd games that all revolved around people dying and the entire screen turning red.

I'm taking today off to recover from the reminder that the future is doomed.

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Of subbing, I speak.

I'm starting to form a few theories about substitute teaching:

1. The younger the kids, the more actual teaching you will do.
Having subbed for younger elementary classes now, as opposed to sixth grade, I've noticed a dramatic increase in the amount of actual teaching that I do in the younger grades. For instance, in today's adventure with third graders, I taught a lesson on multipliers for math class, and a reading lesson with vocabulary words. Seldom have I walked into a middle school classroom and been expected to actually teach any content.

From what I can gather, the younger grades require more teaching from subs because a) eight year-olds, with their attention spans of puppies, can't just work on worksheets all day, b) the content is basic enough that functioning adults should understand it, and c) elementary school teachers are more trusting of subs. When I left sub plans as a high school teacher I assumed a) my students could work independently for 45 minutes to an hour, b) the content may be outside the experience of the sub, and c) my sub could be an idiot. Sorry - but it's true. I had some pretty terrible subs that had no business being in a classroom; hence, I usually tried to leave idiot-proof lessons involving work time, videos, or computer lab assignments. Subs who walk into an elementary classroom - especially anything below fourth grade - better have their game face on. Don't bother bringing a book to read - unless you're blessed with it being an art or music day, you're gonna be on your feet doing real teaching most of the day.


2. The younger the kids, the more you can trust them.
Eight year-olds do not lie. Okay, some of them try, but they suck at it. They can't keep a straight face, and even if they can, four others in the classroom immediately pipe up to tell you that Joey is lying. When the students are this young, they are still mesmerized by their teachers and acknowledge that the teacher has some kind of authority in the room. If you ask them to line up, they do it. If you ask them to sit down, they do it. If you ask them to hop on one foot, they do it (then they tell you a story about how one time, they hopped for two minutes straight, and then their foot hurt, and...).

While they may follow the direction immediately, the catch is that in five minutes they will have completely forgotten what you told them, and you'll have to say it again. You begin to feel like an airport security announcement that repeats the same monotone warning about not leaving your bags unattended or agreeing to hold anyone elses' bags. But, you can trust that they will do what they are told to do, again, primarily because several other students will rat them out if they don't. Threats of a bad note to the teacher elicit serious fear, plus you can always whip out the ultimate weapon... lost recess time!!! (Insert evil laugh here.)

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Math Land

Friday was my first taste of subbing at the high school - and it could not have been more anticlimactic. I was stalking Sub Online while making dinner Thursday night (most school districts around here use an online substitute job assignment system, where teachers enter the information for the sub they need, and then substitutes select the jobs they'd like to take) when a high school job popped up. Before I even finished reading it, I jumped at the chance and committed to the job. Only after that did I read that I'd agreed to be "Roving Substitute #1"... whatever the heck that meant.

Turns out, it means the Anacortes School District paid me to be a warm body for the day. The story was that a math expert was going to be observing various math classes throughout the day. After she (Chris) finished watching the teacher, she would meet with him or her for the last 10 minutes of class in order to debrief and share her notes. I would then serve as the warm body substitute teacher for the final 10 minutes of the class (hence the uber-impressive title of "roving sub"). Kid you not - I got paid $100 to basically follow this woman around all day and then stand in a classroom with 15-20 students while they finished their homework.

It gets worse though - I didn't even need to be there for most of the day! I showed up in the office at 7am. The first period began at 7:30 so I had wanted to make sure I was early enough to figure out what was going on. I proceeded to sit in the office and gossip with the secretaries for over an hour, while the math expert was MIA (I did get the scoop on the boys basketball team that had lost their game at the state tournament the night before, as well as a round-up of the school play, a debate over whether the plant in the office could be resuscitated or should just be pitched, and the weather forecast for the weekend - rainy).

The math expert finally showed up at 8:15 explaining that her first period appointment had been canceled (couldn't she have called the office?). Second period I spent 12 minutes playing MATH-O with slackers who were more interested in winning candy than learning math. Third period was homework babysitting; fourth period she had no appointment; so I observed a different math class for shits and giggles; fifth period I spent reading in the library, and by the time I checked in with Chris at the end of fifth period, she told me she was done for the day and that I could go home!

I know I shouldn't complain about being paid to barely do any work and go home early, but it was super duper boring. I did meet many nice teachers (they were very friendly... sort of like cheerful elementary teachers but without perfectly coifed hair or sensible shoes), so hopefully in the future I'll be able to get real sub jobs there, but the day was fairly underwhelming. High school students here are very similar to the Wisconsin variety, except there seem to be more boys confident enough to wear skinny jeans :)

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Nuances of the Second Grade

I spent the afternoon subbing for second graders. The teacher left very clear plans (some reading, some workbook time, a math game, more reading, etc.). All in all it should have been a very simple afternoon; I had all the supplies I needed and was good to go.

Unfortunately, I forgot about the little rules, routines, procedures, and idiosyncrasies that keep a primary school classroom running... for instance...

- when the kids sit on the carpet for storytime, should they sit in rows or on the letters sewn into the carpet? Apparently, this is a big, BIG, deal.

- why is this child shaking his fist at me in a bad mimic of a sign language letter? (Three kids came rushing up to tell me the child had to go to the bathroom. No, he wasn't deaf. He was just doing "the sign" for when you have to tell the teacher you need to use the bathroom.)

- After asking the kids to be quiet a couple times, one child helpfully showed me the hand-in-the-air, "give me five" sign, which apparently means all the kids are supposed to quiet five parts of their body or something?

- Ice and snow cause tremendous uproar on the playground. We had to pause for an announcement ten minutes prior to recess starting, informing us that primary students (grades 1-3) were allowed outside recess today because they had been good during morning recess. However, intermediate students (grades 4-6) had been intentionally sliding on the ice (?) and playing near the snow during morning recess, so they must stay inside. This announcement was regarded with seriousness and concern equal to proclamations of war, and my group took two minutes to then debate the merits of inside vs. outside recess (no consensus was reached).

- Near catastrophe coming in from recess - the class did not line up appropriately (straight, silent, and in ABC order), so they came running into me (with 14 of them trying to tell me the story at once) explaining they had to put their heads down on their desk for five minutes. Okay, fine by me. I get them settled at their desks - heads down - and next thing I know, the storm trooper recess monitor comes bursting through the door and proceeds to rip the class a new one about their line behavior and how they're role models for the kindergartners, and on and on! Luckily, I was not included in the thrashing.

- I then had the audacity to ask Jake, NOT the classroom helper, to assist me in collecting some papers. Bruce, the rightful classroom helper of the week, immediately shot his hand up and demanded that he be allowed to do his duty and collect the papers. Fine, you can both help. No, Ms. H., Jake's not a helper this week - only Bruce is. Okay, fine, Bruce please collect those papers. But (says Jake), you said I could! Lord help me. And by this point, I could have collected all of the papers myself.

- The kids like to tell you things. Anything they think of. One boy announced that his dog has the same name as me. He then followed that up with, "But you don't look anything like my dog." Good...? Another girl told me about her swim class tonight and her terrible decision about which swimming suit to wear. Primary school teachers must either be ungodly patient, or able to tune it out after a while.

Despite the trivial things, I had a great time. Second graders don't get away with lying to you or pulling anything on you; as soon as they try, four others in the room jump in to say "that's not true!" It's nice to mostly be able to trust the students, and because they're attention spans are so short, you get to do a lot of actual teaching. Overall, good day.

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Convo of the Evening

Mugs: Hey, I'm subbing for the second grade tomorrow afternoon.

NavyGuy: choke, sputter, exclamation - Ha!

Mugs: Excuse me?!

NavyGuy: Nothing.

Mugs: I am very good with younger kids. They're like 7 or 8 years old. I can handle 7 and 8.

NavyGuy: I know, it's just the thought of you in a second grade classroom.

Mugs: Dude - I'm totally qualified.

NavyGuy: Uh huh... just remember they don't understand sarcasm.


I'm so lucky to have such a supportive partner.

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Friday

~ Spent today subbing for the sixth grade again. There was the requisite smelly kid, who you half feel sorry for / half hope won't hang around your desk too much. Apparently I'm also making some kind of impact on the students. Several girls came up to me after lunch announcing that they'd been to the high school basketball game the previous night. At the game, a girl from the opposing team looked oddly familiar, but the sixth graders couldn't figure out why... eventually one of them realized the high school girl looked like their sub! The girls thought they were giving me quite the compliment - "it means you look young enough to be a high school kid!" Gosh, is my secret wish that transparent? Good grief.

~ Must go grocery shopping. Lunch today consisted of yogurt, Diet Mountain Dew, and a can of tuna. Not a tuna fish sandwich - that'd require bread and mayo, both of which we're out of. Just plain tuna. Yes. I ate it. Shame is relative when you're saving money for a wedding.

~ Almost finished with Season 1 of Gossip Girl. NavyGuy's sister got me hooked on it over Christmas break. Again, shame is relative.

~ Don't forget to turn your clocks forward one hour on Saturday night - we may lose a bit of sleep, but bring on the sunshine hours!

~ Random concern of the day: why are all my favorite tops "lay flat to dry"? I wash them, lay them on top of the dryer (flat) to dry, and forget they're in the laundry room until I go in there the following week to do another load. By that time, the top has molded itself into the shape of the top of the dryer (or possibly been covered by a pile of man clothes), and it probably has to be washed again. I'm not sure who's behind this evil plot, but I'd appreciate any and all conspiracy theories you can think of.

Have a great weekend!

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I've Never Hated Reading So Much...

Today was the kind of sub job I'd been dreading. Was it because...

a) it involved teaching advanced algebra?
b) the children were heinous monsters intent on torturing me?
c) the day involved recess duty?
d) all of the above?

Ha! It was secret option e... a completely unrealistic lesson plan for squirrely twelve year-olds!

Oh yes, here's what I was expected to do with the sixth graders. From 9:30-12:00, they were to read. That's it. Read a book, magazine, etc. Apparently, it was "read-in" day (whatever made-up elementary school boo-hockey that is), and the children were bringing in pillows, blankets, and stuff animals to curl up with all day while reading. Seriously? What twelve year old can spend 2 1/2 hours reading? I'm a bookworm adult and that time length is pushing it. Even better, the afternoon was to be spent either continuing to read, or playing board games. The classroom teacher had one copy of Sorry, several games of chess (yeah right), and a deck of cards.

By 10:15, I was ready to stab several of them. The kids were allowed to snack while "reading" and I 'bout lost my mind. Several of the girls decided to build a fort out of their blankets and desks (they at least then sat under it quietly reading), whereas the boys had more fun climbing into each other's sleeping bags, and hitting each other with the reading pillows. I sent them all outside for mandatory recess twice, and forced a writing assignment on them for the last 45 minutes of the day because my head was throbbing and it was the only thing I could think of to get them into their desks for some of the day. Of course, the one day I didn't bring any extra wordsearches or time-filling worksheets is the day that I could have used them!!

Worst lesson plan to leave for a sub ever. And, honestly, an irritating waste of a day. True, I read an entire young adult fiction book in the morning, but aren't American children falling behind the rest of the world in academics? How is lying around pretending to read a good use of school time? I know for certain the class spent last Friday on an un-educational ice skating field trip, and now another wasted day spent eating Valentine's Day candy and giving their sub a headache. I understand elementary school is different than high school, but still - come on! This shiznit would not fly in my elementary school!

Ugh. I'm going to go drink some more and NOT read anything.

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How NOT to sub for a class...

1. Let students throw paper airplanes all over the room and leave them there for the teacher to find the next day.

2. Let students attach post-it notes to every flat surface in the classroom (desks, walls, file cabinets, whiteboards, the ceiling...)

3. Send a class of students down to an unsupervised computer lab for ninety minutes while you remain in the classroom to catch up on your soaps.

4. Write a six page note. That details every moment of the day. Including each student bathroom request. And minor kerfuffle. And what you would change about the classroom setup.

5. Introduce yourself to the class by giving your name and then stating, "I'm kind of a big deal."

Yes, these are all real anecdotes. Yes, it pains me too.

Fellow educators - got any other examples of substitute teaching at its finest?

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Subbing Challenge

Yesterday I subbed for the a sixth grade class. I've been in their room once before, and they remember me as the "name lady" because I'm excellent at learning names quickly (I'll share my secrets some other time). It's getting to the time of the school year when kids are the worst. They are irritated with everyone in their class, they've gotten super comfortable with the teacher, they're stir crazy from the winter weather, and they're just generally nutty. Spring break cannot come soon enough.

The students weren't terrible in the morning. I worked with three different classes (the sixth graders have a "homeroom" but switch between three different teachers for their core classes), and each did fairly well with the social studies lesson on Neolithic societies. We learned about the city of Ur (think Mesopotamia, Tigris and Euphrates rivers - essentially modern day Iraq). The kids were quite amused by the word "ziggurat" (a large temple), but I think they got the point of the lesson which was the impact of irrigation on civilizations.

I swear they must have been mainlining sugar during lunch though, because they came back to the classroom resembling rabid dogs (I kid you not, I think one of them was foaming at the mouth.) Thank god for nice weather; they all went outside for recess. I've started to realize that as a sub, I'm going to have to lower my expectations slightly.

As a regular classroom teacher, I really never had problems with classroom management. I might be jinxing myself by admitting this, but it's true. It's something my principal always marveled over, especially considering my small stature and youth. Once another young teacher actually came to me saying the principal had suggested she talk to me to see how I handled unruly students. I realize now that so much of classroom management is based on respect, clear procedures and rules, and follow through.

When I sub for a class though, I don't have any of those things on my side. The students and I have not developed a relationship, so there's little trust or earned respect. It's someone else's classroom, so they've established the procedures and rules; if those are more lax, I likely can't impose more order in one day. And as a sub, I have little power to follow through with consequences or long-term solutions to any behavioral problems. That doesn't mean I can't try my best when I am in the room, but I'm going to have to accept that the classroom is not going to be just like mine when I'm only subbing for one day.

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Day Two in the Trenches - Update

An update on the globe debacle from yesterday - just received the following email from the classroom teacher:

Don't worry about the globe. It did belong to Admiral Cook of the Royal British Navy when he explored the South Pacific in the early 1800s, but it really isn't that big of a deal... I'm just kidding. :)

Whew. (Gotta love a teacher with a sense of humor.) He went on to say he's putting me on his permanent sub request list because he heard reports from other teachers that I'd actually worked with the kids and tried to teach (shocking that I'd actually try to "sub" for the regular classroom teacher by fulfilling their usual duties). Woo hoo!

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Day Two in the Trenches

More 6th grade fun today. I subbed at the same building as last week, so I had met some of the students previously. Lessons learned?

1. Lunch counts matter.
After ten minutes of frantic searching for the "attendance folder," the children helpfully informed me that it might be down in the office (thanks kids). By the time it had been retrieved, the czar of the lunch ladies blared into the classroom over the intercom demanding to know why she hadn't been given the nuclear launch codes milk order for the day. Apparently, one should not monkey with the lunch count system.

2. Globes have a mind of their own.
Twenty minutes into the day, a globe sitting on a shelf off to one side of the classroom, mysteriously jumped off of the shelf and crashed to the ground. If you'd asked me what contingencies I had planned for when prepping that morning, falling objects would not have been on the list. I have absolutely no clue what in god's name happened; every kid was at their desk, no one was jumping around or doing anything that could have jostled the globe - it simply fell of the shelf. Unfortunately, it was old and actually broke; pieces of cardboard chipped off (part of norther Africa disappeared) and of course the kids were batty for the next five minutes because of the disturbance. I left a note for the sub explaining what happened - even offering to replace the globe or compensate him for it - and all I can do is hope for the best.

3. Indoor Recess is Retribution for Having Summers Off
When Dante wrote about his circles of hell, he forgot one. And that's all I have to say about that.

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What a Day!

So what began as an exciting day, what with my "live" blogging of the Inauguration Festivities, got even more exhilarating around 11am when my phone rang... and I agreed to substitute for a sixth grade class... in 30 minutes!

Thank goodness I had broken away from Brian Williams and Al Roker joking about fedoras to shower before the phone rang. I quickly changed from my lazy day jeans and sweatshirt into some teacher clothes, grabbed a granola bar and a Diet Mountain Dew, checked the map to the school, and took off.

I arrived at the school and readied myself for elementary students. After checking in at the office and getting my schnazzy Substitute name badge (to blare loud and clear that I can be walked all over), I went to the classroom and found the teacher still there. I had managed to get there a little early, so I was able to look over the plans with the teacher and see the kids in action. Ended up being a dream job - when the teacher left at noon the kids went to lunch. Then I had them for twenty minutes before they went to gym, then another 45 minutes, recess, and then science class with another teacher! Easy peasy! (I should have brought my book).

Highlights and thoughts on my first official substitute job:

~ Sixth graders are short. I've never had a class where I'm the tallest person in the room; I tried not to let the power go to my head.

~ Sixth graders like to tell you things. Anything. That tomorrow is their birthday. That they have basketball practice afterschool. That someone else took their pencil. That they can cross their eyes (which they then proceed to prove to you). You forget just how much energy they bring to the table.

~ Many of the boys in class were wearing shorts. It's January. This is wrong.

~ I got to answer many a history question! The students were working on research papers and had to spend time writing a rough draft of their introduction. You'd think I would have gotten tired of answering the same question over and over again, yet it was refreshing.

Overall, it was a great first subbing experience, and I officially love subbing. I got to spend the time the kids weren't in my room doing whatever I wanted, I took nothing home with me to grade or plan for tomorrow, and I got to do the most fun part of being a teacher - working with the kids!

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Think Better Dummy Mind!

I happened to get up early this morning, intending to be uber productive. I was out of the shower by 8:20, and all toweled off when my phone rang.

Mugs: Hello?
Caller: Hi, this is the Anacortes District sub caller. Would you be willing to sub for a high school U.S. history class this morning. We're on a two hour delay (do NOT get me started on the absurdity of this), so you'd need to be there around 9:15.
Mugs: Sure! (Oh my god what am I doing?)
Caller: Great - thanks!

What follows is my stream of consciousness for the next ten minutes:

Okay, whew, thank goodness I showered, okay, breathe, be calm, it's all good, it's history, you can totally fake your way through this, thank god it wasn't calculus or physics or something totally nasty, this way you can always play the what day in history is it game or something, crap nuggets, what was that filler activity mom was talking about the other day? Oh, yeah, how many words can you make from the word Christmas, okay, that'll be the backup plan in case the plans the teacher left are useless, jeez unless there's some politically correct kid who freaks out and we have to use Kwanzaa and Haunauka too, which would really suck cuz I don't know how to spell Jewish Christmas, plus I think there's a spelling of it with a C, yikes, focus, okay, what are you going to wear, rat farts, why didn't I actually do the Jillian Michaels DVD more often so I'd lose a few pounds and be able to fit into my favorite dress pants, cuz they still don't quite button right and I'll die if the pants split on my first day as a sub and I'll forevermore be known by some horrific nickname, so maybe instead I can wear the new dress I got, or is that trying to hard? plus it is kind of cold, and I'm not sure which shoes work with that, and I have no clue if I have nylons that don't have any runs. Okay, maybe these pants, but wait, what do major athletes do before a big competition, they carb up, I need to pack a lunch - agh! All we have is leftover chili and frozen dinners which were fine at my old job because I knew we had access to a microwave, but I can't guarantee that here, so I better take something else, okay, carbs, Cheerios! And a granola bar, that should get me through the day, maybe I'll buy something at the cafeteria too, and my good water bottle is in the car, okay, we're good to go there, now I need to pack my bag, what should I take, oooo, I wish I had taken the time to put together a sub folder so I'd be prepared, bah, I'll take the packet they gave me at the district office and my grad school book to read in case it's a video day, now hair, makeup, okay, plug in straightener, get blowdryer going, now what else does Michael Phelps do before a big race? carb up and visualize - yes, I can do that, okay, breathe breathe, you're going to take your bag, and you're going to get in the car, and drive up to the high school, it's on K street...

OH MY GOD - NAVYGUY HAS THE ONLY CAR THAT I CAN DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What have we learned?
1. The sub caller lady is very understanding, and only thinks I'm moderately insane for calling her back 10 minutes after I accepted a job, to unaccept a job. She even chuckled when I explained the situation - thank goodness!
2. Mugs needs to get over her fear of killing someone/breaking NavyGuy's car, and learn to drive a stick shift.
3. At my ripe old age of 26, I clearly need to begin some brain/memory exercises, because if you read closely, you'll noticed I thought about the fact that my good waterbottle was in the CAR, but not until five minutes later did it dawn on me that the car was in fact at the Navy base, and not in our driveway. Sigh.

So, my employment with the Anacortes School District as a substitute teacher is off to a roaring good start...

P.S. Perhaps a family member in the know will share the story behind the title to this post.

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