A Pox on Your Arm

Thursday night, our conversation before bed...

NavyGuy: I got my smallpox vaccine today.

NavyWife: Oh yeah, in which arm?

NG: My left - see right here (pointing).

NW: (Reaching to touch it) Does it hurt?

NG: No! Don't touch it.

NW: Jeez big baby, I wasn't going to jab my fingernail into it.

NG: No, it's that there's live virus on it.

NW: Huh?

NG: They stick a needle with live cow pox virus into your arm several times, and that's how the vaccination works. It's like any other vaccine, you know, so there's a little bit of the virus on my arm. Hence the bandaid.

NW: WHAT! Agh! Pox on my hand! Pox on my hand!

NG: Oh dear God.

NW: So wait, does that mean you're gonna have small pox on your arm?

NG: Well, a scar from it.

NW: OH MY GOD! I'm gonna get the pox!!! You let me touch your pox arm! You're like a human smallpox blanket! Shouldn't you be quarantined?!? My GOD!

NG: This is why I don't tell you things.

I'll spare you the rest of the conversation, but it went on with me making irrational claims and predictions for some time. (For instance, I may have suggested that all NavyGuy needed was a vaccine against dysentery and he'd be set to travel the Oregon Trail for life!)

But now, three days later, his small pox arm doesn't look right. There's no pox scar. And there should be. So now I'm a little worried that the U.S. government is testing some crazy drugs on naive junior lieutenants in the Navy. I shared my theory with NavyGuy, that perhaps much like how the U.S. Public Health System tested syphilis on unsuspecting African-Americans in Tuskegee, Alabama, now the government is using the guise of smallpox vaccinations to test god-knows-what on Navy officers who just get told, "show up here, at this time, for a medical thing."

Now NavyGuy says I'm not allowed to answer the phone if a FBI agent calls to do NavyGuy's background check for his security clearance. Which must mean I'm on to something...

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Conversation of the Day

Setting: Family room. 10:30pm. Watching Tuesday's performance show of So You Think You Can Dance? on TiVo.

[Dancer Jacob bends his leg back, up, and over his head like Gumby.]

Mugs: Hey, can you move like that?

[NavyGuy gives a withering look.]

NavyGuy: I tweeked my neck putting my helmet on today.

(Something he's done countless times in the past three years...)

So apparently, the next winner of SYTYCD is NOT sitting in my livingroom.

If you want to check out the move that brought on this exchange, skip ahead to 1:19.

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Drama of the Week

Many of you loyal readers and friends know of my fabulous compadre HistoryGirlie (Adventures of a Farmer's Wife). We taught together in Wisconsin, and discovered we're basically sisters separated at birth (except that she loves Gone with the Wind, and I've never seen it).

HistoryGirlie and NavyGuy have a wonderful relationship of harassing each other. She calls him Maverick, as her knowledge of Navy life (before I got involved) pretty much just extended to Top Gun. HG is a fellow paper crafter, and we're always sharing good deals we've found at JoAnn's, Michaels, or Hobby Lobby ("the hob").

Okay, so the debate/drama of the week began when HistoryGirlie won a cheesecake baking competition. She's just like Martha Stewart except with better hair, so this came as no surprise to me. NavyGuy kindly congratulated her on her win and added that she should teach me how to bake an amazing cheesecake, as NavyGuy hearts cheesecake and I've never made one for him.

Hrmph. Well, then HistoryGirlie called me to tell me that Cricut cartridges were on sale at JoAnn's! Woo hoo!!! I haven't bought a new one in quite some time, and there's an amazing one that is totally necessary for all my upcoming wedding scrapbooking. Well, I made the mistake of mentioning all of this to NavyGuy... and he felt the need to share this message with HistoryGirlie:

"After your discussion earlier with Mugs, I've decided that she can go get an on-sale cricut cartridge if you teach her how to make your prize winning cheesecake, and she successfully executes such task. ...evil laugh..."

WHAT?!?!?! Oh no he did not. So, I of course responded with:

"Isn't he soooo funny? He thinks he actually has some modicum of control over my craft spending!?!? Silly rabbit..."

And as the instigator of the debate, HistoryGirlie has written a post just for NavyGuy.

Since she's posted, the plot has thickened. I attempted to go to JoAnn's today and buy said sale Cricut cartridge (while also using a gift card for the store), but in my infinite intelligence and common sense... I got all the way to the store (a good thirty minutes away) and realized my wallet was sitting on my desk at home!!!!! AGH!!!!!!!!!! Really? Really!?!? This is my life. Sigh.

So, now I have no new Cricut cartridge, another embarassing story to add to my day, and my pride to regain. So HistoryGirlie, fear not - I will obtain the coveted Cricut cartridge. Let no man and his sassy mouth (or my forgetfulness) stand in my way!

Yes, as always, I realize most of the rest of the planet has much bigger and more significant problems than I. But, seriously - this stinks!

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Muchas Gracias

I stated long before the wedding, that we, not I, would be writing the thank you notes for the wedding gifts. I'm quite traditional when it comes to some things, but there was no way I was going to be doing all of the thank you writing myself, just because I was the wife (with the better handwriting). We agreed to split up the thank yous, and each write some of the notes. NavyGuy denies remembering ever agreeing to this plan, but he most definitely did.

Today, as we sat on our bed, with the handwritten list of wedding gifts received and ample blank thank you cards ready to be penned, I began to question the wisdom of this plan...

Me: C'mon, we'll just get a few more done before you have to go to your meeting.

NavyGuy: Ugh, I'm tired. When did I agree to help with this?

I shoot him "the look," as words aren't even necessary.

NavyGuy writes a line or two, then falls back dramatically on his pillow as if he's just bench pressed five hundred pounds.

Me: Acting like you can't do this, will not spare you. I know that trick.

NavyGuy glares.

Me: Just get it done! See, I just wrote one. Here - use this as a template.

NavyGuy: How do you get them done so easily?

Me: I don't stop every four words and whine.

NavyGuy: I just think you'd be so much better at doing this.

Me: Uh huh. Yep, I probably would, but then you wouldn't learn.

NavyGuy sighs. And begins tapping on his notebook.

Me: I thought you said you were tired.

NavyGuy: Yeah, I am.

Me: Well, if you have the energy to tap your fingers and annoy me, then you have the energy to finish that note!


Thank you notes completed: 7
Thank you notes to-be completed: 58
Chance that NavyGuy will get out of finishing his: 0%
Chance that he will be locked in a sterile room to finish his alone: 100%

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