Thursday, July 10, 2008

Pensacola Peculiarities

The following is a list of things that confuse me about my new home:

1. Tinted driver side windows. Apparently, outside of Wisconsin, it's legal to blacken your front windows. Allegedly, this keeps the car cooler in the Dante's-7th-circle-of-hell-heat that is Florida, but I don't think the polar ice caps could cool down a car that's been sitting in the sun for more than 20 minutes.

2. Bike lanes. I understand the general purpose for bike lanes. I even appreciate the arrows that are drawn on the road indicating in which direction a bike should be ridden. What I do not understand however, is why Pensacolians are confused by these clearly marked bike lanes. I swear to you - every other person I see riding a bike down here is riding the wrong way down the road. Why? I don't get it. If anyone has a hypothesis, please illuminate me.

3. Sweet tea. If you want to drink something sweet, have a glass of Kool-Ade. If you want to drink tea, then drink tea. Don't combine the two. End of story. [Side note: my favorite P-cola moment so far involves sweet tea. At lunch with a few friends, one guy requested sweet tea from the server. Server's response? "Unsweetened. Not a Southerner." The server then proceeded to fill the guy's glass with unsweetened tea, and told him the sweetener was on a different counter. Priceless. This has now become my standard reply to anything that displeases me about the South.]

4. Salutations. When did I become "Hun"? When did I become "Sugar"? When did I become "Dumpling"? I do not know how to respond when elderly waitresses, or car mechanics greet me this way. Do I ignore it? Do I sarcastically reply "Just fine, Peaches" in a terrible Southern accent? Do I start in on a feminist tirade about how I did not spend four years getting a college degree, and four more working as a highly respected teacher, just to be addressed as a variety of pastry?

5. Waffle Houses. 'Nuff said.

6. Drive thru-liquor stores (yes, plural). This seems to be a contradiction of sorts.

7. Mail. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the postal service is a federally run operation, suggesting that the service should be similar regardless of what zip code you live in. How then, does it take 10 days for a standard letter to get from Pensacola, FL to Jacksonville, FL? (And no, this wasn't over the 4th of July weekend or any other possible delay). That's a distance of 357 miles - approximately a 5 hour drive. I think with the proper hydration and sufficient maps, I could WALK the letter to Jacksonville faster. My Netflix movies now have a turn-around time of 6 days (as opposed to the 3 it used it take), and my Newsweek for this week has yet to arrive. What if by the time my Publisher's Clearing House check arrives, I've moved!?! Good grief.

On the plus side, gas is slightly cheaper (we're hovering at 3.99... what's it doing up nort' hey?), and because of the instant sweat that pools on one's body after stepping outside, I have an excuse not to bother attempting makeup of any sort. :)


historygirlie July 11, 2008 at 9:51 AM  

This made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the giggle, sugarpiehoneybunch.

mugs018 July 11, 2008 at 11:16 AM  

The pleasure is all mine, little pecan-praline-apple-fritter-doll.

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