Friday, October 31, 2008

Dear Ms. Michaels

Dear Ms. Michaels,

I recently viewed your workout DVD, Jillian Michaels: The 30 Day Shred. I wanted to share a few thoughts with you as a seasoned exerciser. You may not recognize my name from the fitness guru crowd you run with, but I suspect you will find my opinions and ideas useful, what with my two years experience of step aerobics instruction, and completion of several 1/2 mile Fun Runs in elementary school (plus the one time I walked the Walleye Run).

First, I applaud your use of two thin and leggy backup girls in the video - bold move! Showing that many different types of people can successfully participate in your exercise routine is of course not a major selling point you should concern yourself with. Personally, when I work out, I feel much better viewing freak of nature 20-something women with the metabolism of high school boys literally waltz through 439 squats without soiling their matchy workout outfits or smudging three coats of eyeliner.

Second, and I can't say this enough, thank you for employing a tough love brand of encouragement throughout. Hearing how much of a pansy I am, while attempting to lunge my body weight half way across the room, motivates me enormously.

Third, you really do a fantastic job selling the idea that three minutes of strength training, two minutes of cardio, and one minute of abs is going to be like a pleasant walk in the park. It sounds so manageable until a person is on their 200th consecutive jumping jack and their calves are shaking. You, Ms. Michaels, manage to complete the circuit breathlessly, all the while wandering back to chat with Barbie and Lindsay Lohan behind you. Well done, well done.

Fourth, I never quite realized what muscle burn felt like until now - I only wish I could introduce you to a feeling equally enjoyable.

And lastly, congratulations! Despite causing blinding pain (it physically hurts to type today), buckets of sweats, and I think, a momentary black out, I survived your torture. And because I'm that kind of person, I'm going to continue the suffering again tomorrow. See you then.


P.S. If you'd like to recommend to your audience that they can substitute full Nalgene water bottles in place of the hand weights (oh yes, that's the kind of quick thinking and ingenuity a liberals arts degree can do for you people), I would be fine with that. However, I will request a 15% residual fee for each DVD that sells with that genius recommendation included. :)


historygirlie November 2, 2008 at 5:34 AM  

Oh boy, I guess I've got my work cut out for me after you burn that puppy for me!

Maybe I need Ms. Michael's tough love to whip this heinder into a firmer shape.

One Sweet Shannon November 3, 2008 at 9:27 AM  

Honestly, I haven't seen the shred workouts yet, but I have to say that for these DVDs I don't have a problem with the backup chicks being skinny. Aren't these marketed as being for losing the last 10 pounds and getting shredded? I don't think having women (or men) of larger sizes showing the workouts can be done by everyone is important here.

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