Thursday, April 23, 2009

Premptive Strikes

My inner B@#$% tends to come out when I travel by air... so clearing the air ahead of time may be the most efficient route to go...

Dear Random Driver on I-5,

I deeply apologize for NavyGuy's behavior this morning. He doesn't do well before seven a.m., and he does particularly poorly in cars at that time of day. Sometimes he operates under the delusion that the roads are his, and other drivers mere annoyances sent to bother him. I hope you didn't find it too upsetting when he zoomed past you on the way to the Seattle airport, pressing his face to the window, banging on the steering wheel, and screaming like a banshee. I would have interceded, but I was probably snoozing.


Dear TSA dude,

Please accept this letter as both an apology and peace offering. Perhaps you've been trained to suspect twenty-something, brunette, white girls with Wisconsin accents as likely terrorists, and that is why you felt the need to empty my entire carry-on suitcase because I forgot to remove one tube of chapstick. Or perhaps you just decided to exact a wee bit of retribution after I glared at you for making fun of the photo on my new Washington state driver's license. Regardless of who's to blame, let's both agree to move past today's unpleasant encounter, and avoid each other whenever possible in the future.

I'm sorry I mumbled mean things about you under my breath. I'm also sorry I didn't return the little grey bucket to the pile at the end of the conveyor belt. (But I still hold that that is your job, not mine.)


Dear Starbucks Customer Ahead of Me in Line,

If you don't know what you want - DON'T GET IN LINE UNTIL YOU DO!

Enjoy your blueberry scone.


Dear Flight Seatmate,

I'm not sure the etiquette in your neck of the woods, but here in SocialGrace Land, when a person puts earbuds in their ears, and motions that they are turning on their iPod, that generally means you should find someone else to talk to. Is it my fault that you brought nothing on the airplane with which to occupy yourself? No, sir, it is not. You could have brought a book. You could have brought one of those little DVD players that NavyGuy says are a waste for people who already have laptops, and therefore won't let me buy. You could just flip through the Sky Mall magazine and debate whether you want a pet staircase or lawn aerator shoes. But trying to engage me in a conversation about who is the better contestant on American Idol, is not how we are going to spend these 3 hours, 52 minutes.

Have a pleasant flight.

Best Wishes,

Dear Cranky Flight Attendant,

I have to pee. There are 14 people in line for the one bathroom in coach, and exactly no one in line for the first class bathroom. I'm peeing in first class. Deal.

Also, could I get another bag of pretzels? Thanks.


Dear Mom,

Despite having picked me up from the airport more times than one can count (which I do love and appreciate), you always seem surprised that I spend the entire time waiting for my checked luggage, reciting every person from my day of travels that either irritated me or who should be denied a breeding license. Don't worry - you raised me right, and cannot be blamed for this character flaw. I promise I'll stop ranting by the time we get out of the airport parking structure. Unless the parking attendant is stupid. Then all bets are off.

I'm back!

As you read this, I'm suffering through air travel in the United States. Be a sweetie and leave me a funny comment that I can check on my Blackberry (and thus have another reason to escape the talkative seatmate...)


ebs handler April 23, 2009 at 4:20 AM  

Counting the hours....
I'll be checking your little plane throughout the day, so wave out the window every so often. That will keep your seat mate on his toes. And, this IS parking structure, just a windy parking lot.

Bernadette April 23, 2009 at 5:56 AM  

Well, I'm not particularly funny before, say, 11am (except for my bed-head hair), but I hope you have a safe trip!

Bucky,  April 23, 2009 at 7:33 AM  

Here's one: Imagine your own personal Booth there to glaringly deal with all the annoying personages so that you can enjoy your trip.

historygirlie April 23, 2009 at 11:55 AM  

Dear Sophomore Boy:

I apologize for ruining your life with my homework THAT I"M GIVING YOU 5 DAYS TO COMPLETE. I know the weekend is going to be lovely, but again, this is an honors class...I think you can enjoy the sun and appreciate George Kennan (sigh!) all at the same time.




sister,  April 23, 2009 at 3:15 PM  

Dear slacking Site Coordinator,

I'm sorry for expecting that you would have your paperwork in on time - I agree, it IS too much to ask that you would get an email about it three weeks ago, then two reminder emails and two texts before I show up at your school to retrieve said paperwork....which you didn't have ready and complete.

I also forgive you for forgetting about our meeting.

And despite how much I respect our relationship and your work ethic in general, I will decline your request to use me for a recommendation.

See you at training tomorrow (late, as usual)!


Princess of Ales April 27, 2009 at 10:36 AM  

Dear NavyGirl,

My profound apologies for talking so much during the flight. Making conversation is the only way I can stave off the fear of impending hellfire and doom. Thanks for not slapping my hand away from the armrest when I clutched it like the last parachute. I wish you all the best and a lifetime of an empty middle seat in your row.

Your Seatmate, Circa 2001

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